"The phrase 'pull yourself together, wimp,' doesn't help": A psychologist on how to form habits

Contents:

• "We are not Munchausen, to immediately launch into exploits"
• How to get rid of negative habits and procrastination
• "Why do we cook in a small saucepan?"
• "There is no magic pill"

Brief information about the topic.

Polina Maksimova is a contextual-behavioral psychologist and behavior change consultant specializing in well-being. She is the author of a successful psychology blog and YouTube channel, where she shares valuable knowledge in the field of psychology and personal growth. Polina conducts trainings aimed at developing skills for maintaining a resourceful state and conscious movement. She also wrote the book "You Have Everything, Run Now!", in which she explores how running and dreams can change your life.

In the interview, Polina shared her thoughts and experiences. She discussed important moments in her career, personal achievements, and plans for the future. Polina emphasized how her experience has helped her cope with difficulties and achieve her goals. She also talked about her hobbies and how they influence her life. This interview has become a valuable source of inspiration for many who strive for success in their field.

• Is it effective to start forming a habit on Monday?
• Why a habit is not formed in 21 days?
• How to overcome procrastination?
• Why we are dependent on public opinion and how to change it?
• What does the slogan “love yourself” really mean?

“We are not Munchausen, to immediately launch into feats”

Habits play an important role in our lives, as they shape our behavior and affect the quality of life. They help automate routine actions, allowing you to focus on more important tasks. Habits arise as a result of repeating certain actions that become part of our daily routine. At the initial stage of habit formation, it is necessary to understand what exactly needs to be changed or implemented. Over time, through consistency and persistence, new behaviors become ingrained and become habits. Understanding the importance of habits and the mechanisms by which they form helps us manage our behavior and achieve our goals. Improving our habits can lead to increased productivity and an overall improved quality of life. Habits play a vital role in conserving energy. If we analyzed every action throughout the day, by lunchtime our brains might feel overloaded, like a frozen computer. Habits allow us to perform many tasks automatically, allowing us to avoid wasting energy on overthinking. The brain strives to conserve resources. If we imagine a well-trodden path through snowdrifts, we will follow it without thinking, as it is easier than creating a new path. Thus, habits not only help us simplify our daily routines but also conserve mental energy for more meaningful tasks. Habits are formed as a result of certain events that initiate behavioral routines. These routines, in turn, lead to a reward. This process helps reinforce the habit and makes it part of our daily lives. Understanding how habits form can be the key to changing them or introducing new, more beneficial practices.

The reward isn't always tangible; it can be associated with pleasant sensations and positive emotions. This approach helps reinforce and consolidate the behavior, which, in turn, forms a habit.

The phrase "I'll start forming a new habit on Monday" is often perceived as self-deception, but it can be effective for some people. Setting a clear start date helps set the mental framework and prepare yourself for change. Monday, as the beginning of a new week, symbolizes the opportunity to start with a clean slate and make positive changes in your life.

However, it's important to understand that successful habit formation requires consistency and persistence. If you're truly committed to implementing a new habit, it's worth starting with small steps now, rather than waiting until Monday. This will avoid procrastination and increase your chances of successfully establishing the new habit.

Ultimately, the key to success lies in your motivation and commitment to change, no matter when you decide to start.

If we resolve to start running on Monday, but find ourselves unable to get out of bed on the day X, this may be a sign of a flawed approach. Often, the idea for forming a new habit comes in a moment of inspiration, when we sense that change is just around the corner. However, we don't consider the reality of how we'll have to implement it. For example, we might have to wake up at 7 a.m., feeling like a zombie, or face rainy weather. As a result, the training start date may constantly shift or never arrive at all. Sure, you can force yourself to go for a run once or twice, but constantly resisting your own desires is energy-consuming for our brain. We can't immediately perform feats like fairy tale heroes. To successfully start running, it is important to consider your real capabilities and create conditions for a comfortable start, which will help form a lasting habit and achieve the desired results.

Does this mean that we lack willpower?

Willpower can be considered a mental muscle. Like physical muscles, willpower can't function at its peak all the time—it has its limitations, and at a certain point, it can "give up." We often perceive this state as a lack of willpower. In fact, willpower exists, but it is depleted and requires restoration and energy resources. Starting to form a new habit requires a careful approach. It's important to define a specific goal you want to achieve. A clear understanding of why you need this habit will help you stay motivated throughout the process. The next step is to create a plan. Try to break your goal into small, achievable steps. This will help avoid overwhelm and make the process more manageable. Regularity is key in forming habits. It's best to start with small actions and gradually increase their complexity and volume. Don't forget the importance of tracking your progress. Keeping a diary or using mobile apps for monitoring will help you see results and evaluate your achievements. It's also helpful to seek support from others, share your successes, and receive feedback.

Finally, be patient. Forming a new habit is a process that takes time. Resilience and persistence will help you overcome difficulties and cement new positive habits into your life.

It's important to ask yourself: "How can I help myself? How can I organize my life to achieve my desired behavior?" To do this, you need to understand your internal processes and mechanisms. Understanding how our psychology and behavior function is the key to effective self-regulation and goal achievement.

With time and effort, it is possible to form or change almost any habit. The process involves several stages: first, you need to identify a habitual action, then experiment with different rewards, and finally identify the trigger that will launch this action. Finally, you should create a clear plan that will help implement changes and reinforce the new habit. This approach not only changes behavior but also improves quality of life by enhancing self-discipline and productivity.

I understand that if I plan to go for a run in the evening, I'm highly likely to fail. This isn't due to a lack of willpower, but rather because by that time I'm usually tired and faced with a multitude of distractions, such as three children at home. This is a highly individual phenomenon; it varies not only between people but also within a single person in different situations and periods of life. By organizing our behavior, we create new habits and reinforce them with positive emotions, which helps us achieve our goals.

There's a belief that 21 days is enough to form a habit. This assertion is based on research, but the actual process of habit formation can take longer. Each person is different, and the time it takes to consolidate a new habit depends on many factors, including the difficulty of the habit, motivation, and level of self-discipline. To increase the chances of successfully forming a habit, it's helpful to set clear goals, track your progress, and maintain a positive environment. It's important to remember that consistency and patience are key in this process.

In the 1950s and 1960s, plastic surgeon Maxwell Maltz, in his book Psycho-Cybernetics, shared his observations about how people adapt to changes in appearance after surgery. He found that, on average, it takes about 21 days to get used to a new reflection in the mirror. This experiment was actually less about habit formation and more about psychological adaptation. However, marketers quickly seized on this number, and it became the accepted standard. As a result, if a person can't develop a habit in 21 days, they begin to doubt themselves. This creates a false understanding of the habit-forming process, ignoring individual differences and the real time frame required for change.

Habit formation is a process that doesn't magically happen in 21 days. The time frame depends on the nature of the behavior we are trying to make habitual, our attitude toward it, and the difficulty of performing the actions in terms of emotional resources and energy. Each person is unique, and the time required to consolidate a new habit may vary. Understanding this fact helps avoid disappointment and set the tone for long-term self-improvement.

There are many studies on habit formation, and the results of these studies vary significantly. Some studies claim that it takes 50 to 60 days to consolidate a new habit, while others indicate a period of 200 to 300 days. It is important to note that the time required to form a habit is individual: for some people it may take less time, for others - longer.

How to Get Rid of Negative Habits and Procrastination

Giving up certain habits can significantly improve the quality of life. To identify habits to break, consider their impact on your health, emotional state, and productivity. Start by analyzing your daily activities. Identify which ones trigger negative emotions or interfere with achieving your goals.

Pay attention to habits that lead to procrastination or worsen your physical health. For example, excessive use of social media can distract you from important tasks. You should also consider unhealthy habits, such as smoking or poor eating habits, that negatively impact your health.

Consider your emotional reactions. If a habit causes stress or guilt, you may want to consider quitting it.

Finally, it's important to remember that changing habits takes time and effort. Gradually eliminating negative habits and replacing them with more beneficial ones is the path to improving your quality of life.

The main criterion for a healthy habit is that it leads to positive changes in your life, both physically and emotionally. If a habit negatively impacts your emotional stability, worsens relationships with loved ones, or reduces your overall well-being, it's worth considering changing it. It's important to develop habits that contribute to your well-being and harmony in life.

Previously, I developed a habitual route that I took to take my child to school every day, avoiding the shorter route. Even after I learned about the more direct route, I continued to unconsciously pass it by. However, over time, when we reached a crossroads, I began to consciously choose the shorter route, using my mindfulness. This experience reminded me of the importance of mindfulness in everyday decisions and the ability to change habitual actions for greater convenience. Mindfulness gives us the ability to make conscious choices, and subsequent success depends on regular practice. Developing focus skills helps improve the quality of decision-making and increase overall effectiveness in life. Mindfulness practice strengthens our ability to perceive attentively, which, in turn, promotes a deeper understanding of ourselves and the world around us. Habits can develop into addictions when they begin to negatively impact a person's daily life. This occurs when you feel the need to perform certain actions despite recognizing their harm. Addiction often manifests itself in a person’s inability to control their behavior, even if it causes problems in their personal life, work, or health. When a habit becomes obsessive and requires more and more time and resources, it can develop into an addiction. It is important to recognize these changes and take steps to regain control of your life. Addiction occurs when actions begin to interfere with our freedom of choice. We feel tied down when we can't decide for ourselves whether to perform certain actions or not. This feeling of being unfree emphasizes the importance of having options and being able to control our lives.

To break a habit, you need to understand its impact on your life. The first step is to identify the triggers that provoke this behavior. It is important to develop a plan that includes replacing the habit with healthier alternatives. Support from others is key, so it is worth sharing your goals with loved ones. Regular self-monitoring and journaling will help you track your progress and stay on track. It is also helpful to set specific, achievable goals to gradually reduce the impact of the habit on your life. It is important to remember that change takes time and patience, so be prepared for possible setbacks, but do not rest on your laurels.

The algorithm can be described as follows:

• Understand what triggers the habit. These can be memories, thoughts, smells, music, a variety of sensory stimuli.
• Understand how the behavioral routine is started. You can experiment with the trigger, trying to consciously avoid, for example, fatigue if it triggers overeating.
• Decide what reward we will receive for breaking the habit. This could be a feeling of pleasure, calm, satisfaction, or even something material.
• Start retraining. It's important to remember that we can't get rid of a habit simply by pulling it out of our heads. Unlearning means that we develop one or more new behaviors and consciously repeat them over and over again.

Breaking habits can be difficult, and that's natural. Experiencing shame, confusion, and self-dissatisfaction during the change process is normal. It's important to understand that developing new habits takes time and patience. By acknowledging your feelings, you take a step toward better understanding yourself and your experiences. This is part of a process that will help you become more resilient and confident in your actions. Don't be afraid to seek support if you need it.

Experiencing a variety of emotions, including those listed, is normal. Emotions serve as important signals that indicate the need to pay attention to certain aspects of our lives. It is important to ask yourself, "What exactly is causing these emotions?" The answer to this question can help you learn useful lessons, change your behavior, and continue moving toward your goals. Understanding your emotions promotes personal growth and a better quality of life.

Procrastination can be considered a habit. It is a behavior in which a person puts off completing tasks until a later date, often to the detriment of their productivity and achievements. Procrastination can be caused by various factors, including fear of failure, lack of motivation, or poor time management. This habit can negatively impact personal and professional life, leading to stress and guilt. To combat procrastination, it's important to understand its causes and develop strategies to improve efficiency and time management.

Frequent repetition of actions can lead to the formation of habits and stable neural patterns in the brain. These patterns become the basis for automatic reactions and behaviors, which facilitate task completion and improve productivity.

Procrastination is a common problem faced by many people. To overcome it, it is necessary to understand the reasons for procrastination and find effective methods for combating this habit. One way is to set specific goals and clear deadlines. This will help create structure and increase motivation. It is also helpful to break large tasks into smaller steps, which makes them less daunting and more manageable. It is important to create a comfortable work environment and minimize distractions to focus on completing tasks. Regular breaks and using time management techniques, such as the Pomodoro Technique, can significantly increase productivity. Changing your mindset and establishing a positive attitude toward work also play a key role in combating procrastination. By applying these strategies, you can significantly reduce procrastination and increase your productivity.

Procrastination often stems from the fear of performing unpleasant tasks. We tend to put off tasks that cause us discomfort or anxiety. The physical manifestations of this condition can be explained by the activation of pain centers in the brain at the mere thought of a task that evokes negative emotions. This leads us to seek ways to avoid these tasks, which, in turn, aggravates the situation. Understanding the mechanisms of procrastination can help us cope with it and learn to manage our time and tasks more effectively.

You think about the tasks ahead—studying material, writing texts, and other tasks. The thought of spending the next few hours on this labor-intensive task activates the stress centers of the brain. As a result, you become distracted by phones, computers, and televisions—these activities seem more pleasant and easier. As you scroll through posts, pictures, and comments, you suddenly realize you haven't accomplished anything you planned for several hours.

Procrastination often manifests itself in the following pattern: when you face a difficult or unpleasant task, the pain centers of the brain are activated. In this state, you instinctively switch your attention to more pleasant activities, which creates the illusion of temporary relief. However, this approach only exacerbates the problem, as temporary relief from discomfort does not solve the underlying problem. To overcome procrastination, it is important to understand the reasons for your avoidance and find effective strategies for completing tasks productively.

Procrastination is a complex and painful addiction that can temporarily distract you from discomfort and reality. However, over time, the habit of putting things off becomes ingrained, and breaking it becomes increasingly difficult. In the long term, the consequences of procrastination can be quite serious: from failure on exams to missed opportunities and deteriorating health. It's important to recognize that ignoring tasks can lead to significant losses and to begin combating this habit as early as possible. Sometimes procrastination feels like an alter ego. This state of putting off important tasks can negatively impact productivity and quality of life. Procrastination manifests itself in various forms, from small tasks to large projects. To overcome this phenomenon, it's important to understand its causes and develop strategies to help cope with procrastination. Identify your top priorities, set clear goals, and create a time management system. This will help you regain control of your life and improve your task efficiency. Procrastination isn't just a weakness; it's a challenge that can and should be overcome to achieve success. Reluctance to start anything is a natural state that everyone experiences. It's important to understand how you react to this feeling and how you cope with it. The good news is that the painful sensations arise only when you think about the upcoming task, not during the process itself. As soon as we start taking action, negative emotions disappear. Completing a task brings a sense of satisfaction and joy. Gradually overcoming this barrier can significantly increase productivity and improve your overall mood.

One effective method for combating procrastination is to reframe your goals. Instead of the general goal of "learn a language," set a more specific goal, such as "devote half an hour to learning a language every day." Similarly, instead of "read one book a week," you can define a more realistic goal such as "read for half an hour in the morning or before bed." It is also important to include time for rest in your to-do list and use the method of alternating work and breaks. This approach helps increase productivity and makes the process of achieving goals more manageable.

It is advisable to break large tasks into smaller parts and complete them in stages. The Pomodoro technique and timeboxing are effective for this. Sometimes I also have trouble starting long and complex tasks. In such cases, I use my approach: I set a timer for 30 minutes. During this time, I try to focus on work and use the allotted 30 minutes as productively as possible. This method helps avoid procrastination and improve task efficiency.

When we start working on a task, our attention shifts from the volume of work to the process itself. Knowing that in half an hour there will be an opportunity to rest adds motivation. There are other methods for increasing productivity, and it is important to find the one that is most effective for you. Experiment with different approaches and adapt them to your needs to improve your performance and achieve your goals.

"Why do we cook in a small saucepan?"

Let's discuss our attitudes and their origins. Attitudes are formed under the influence of various factors, such as upbringing, experience, cultural characteristics, and social environment. They can influence our perception of the world and decision-making. It is important to be aware of how our attitudes are formed in order to be able to adjust and develop them. Understanding the sources of our own attitudes allows us to better understand ourselves and the world around us, which in turn contributes to personal growth and a better quality of life. Attitudes are deeply held beliefs, rules of life and behavior, formed on the basis of our previous experiences, cultural traditions, and family influences. We often accept them as absolute truth without critical analysis. These attitudes influence our perception of the world and the decisions we make, determining how we respond to various situations. Understanding your attitudes can help in personal development and improving the quality of life. We often do not consider the reasons for our attitudes towards various things. An example is the parable of a family in which several generations cook food in a small saucepan. One day, the daughter decided to find out: "Why do we use this particular saucepan?" The mother, not knowing the answer, called her grandmother. The grandmother was surprised: "Are you still cooking in this saucepan? Back in my day, there were no others, so I used what was on hand." This story illustrates how traditions are passed down from generation to generation, and we often continue to follow them without considering the reasons. Becoming aware of such patterns can help us better understand our habits and perhaps change them to make them more rational.

Core beliefs are attitudes and interpretations that are so fundamental that a person is often unable to articulate them even to themselves. These beliefs are perceived as indisputable truth and function as a filter through which an individual perceives the world. Core beliefs influence decision-making, behavior, and interactions with others, shaping our reality and perceptions of ourselves and others. Understanding and becoming aware of these beliefs can be the key to personal growth and behavior change.

A person perceives the world through the prism of their beliefs, focusing on information that confirms these beliefs and ignoring contradictory facts. In specific situations, these beliefs manifest as automatic thoughts, which in turn significantly influence emotional and physiological reactions, as well as an individual's behavior. Understanding this mechanism can help change negative thinking patterns and improve quality of life. Why are we so dependent on public opinion and often trust the opinions of others over our own beliefs? This dependence is rooted in our desire for acceptance and approval from others. We live in a society where the opinions of others can significantly influence our decisions and views. We often seek confirmation of our thoughts and emotions from others, which can lead to doubts in our own judgment.

Social norms and expectations shape our reality, forcing us to adapt to opinions and attitudes that may not align with our true desires and beliefs. It is important to learn to critically analyze information and develop self-confidence to avoid becoming a victim of other people's opinions. By reflecting on our values ​​and beliefs, we can achieve greater independence and confidence in our decisions.

We are humans, and our nature was formed in an environment where evolution did not care about our happiness, but focused on survival. For successful existence in society, acceptance of fellow tribesmen was important. In the modern world, the opportunities for comparison and evaluation have become virtually unlimited. Our minds continue to make judgments, comparing and evaluating various aspects of life, which affects our perception and interaction with the world around us.

The psychological processes of the human mind can be destructive, which ultimately leads to psychological suffering. These internal conflicts and negative thoughts can significantly affect the emotional state and overall quality of life. Understanding and working with these processes are important steps to improving mental health and reducing stress.

To restore the authority of your opinion, it is important to analyze the reasons why it was undermined. Start with an open dialogue with others, listen to their opinions and criticism. This will help you understand which aspects of your opinion need improvement. Ensure your arguments are based on facts and logic, not emotion. Regularly update your knowledge on the issues being discussed to stay abreast of the latest trends and research. It's also worth sharing your thoughts in professional circles or on platforms where your opinions can be heard and valued. Gradually, by demonstrating confidence and the validity of your positions, you can regain the trust and credibility of your colleagues and acquaintances.

If a mindset is hindering your development, it's worth critically reexamining it. Start with simple questions and listen carefully to your answers. This will help you identify the true reasons why you hold this mindset and may provide an opportunity to change it to a more constructive one. It is important to understand that taking a critical approach to your beliefs can lead to growth and a better quality of life.

• Is this attitude holding me back or not?
• Is my belief true or not?
• What is really important to me?
• How will I act if I think differently?

Taking a critical approach to the rules learned in family or society allows us to understand which of them have a negative impact on our lives. Once we realize this, we can begin to rethink and test these attitudes in practice. Such changes in behavior contribute to personal growth and a better quality of life. By understanding our beliefs, we can free ourselves from limitations and achieve more.

If it turns out that a certain belief is erroneous, this will open up new perspectives for us. We will be able to reconsider our habits and stop cooking in a small pot. New ideas and approaches will help us change our perceptions and improve the culinary process.

"There is no magic pill"

The attitudes "love yourself" and "accept yourself" often do not bring the expected results. This is because such phrases can be perceived as superficial appeals that do not address deep issues of self-esteem and self-perception. To achieve true self-love, you need to work on your internal attitudes, recognize your emotions, and accept them. Many people need more time and effort to understand their feelings and learn to value themselves. Therefore, it is important to approach these attitudes with an awareness of their complexity and multifaceted nature.

We all strive for a magic solution that can quickly eliminate our problems. Often, various phrases and promises are offered under the guise of such a solution. However, it is important to understand that a real magic pill does not exist. Just like the 21-day habit-forming myth, these claims are just marketing gimmicks. Real change takes time, effort, and consistency.

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Self-love isn't just a pleasant experience like a bubble bath. It's a process that involves establishing a trusting dialogue with yourself and understanding your needs and values. True self-love requires the ability to listen to and consider your desires, as well as a commitment to creating a fulfilling and meaningful life. Self-care is the foundation for emotional well-being and harmony, which allows us to better interact with the world around us.

To get rid of self-criticism, it is important to recognize its negative impact on your life. First of all, start with introspection: notice the moments when you begin to criticize yourself. Try to understand what triggers these thoughts and replace them with more constructive ones. Practicing positive thinking can help change your internal dialogue. Instead of self-criticism, focus on your achievements and strengths. It's also helpful to discuss your feelings with loved ones or professionals, which can help you gain support and a fresh perspective. Regular exercise, meditation, and other relaxation techniques can help reduce stress and improve your overall well-being. Remember that everyone makes mistakes, and your self-esteem shouldn't depend on the opinions of others.

In today's society, self-criticism has become common, and many believe it helps motivate them. However, the phrase "pull yourself together, you wimp" doesn't produce the desired effect. It's important to understand that self-criticism can not only demoralize but also reduce productivity. A more effective approach is to use a constructive approach that helps you focus on achieving goals and developing yourself. Support and positive reinforcement can have a significant impact on personal growth.

Modern research shows that self-criticism can exacerbate apathy and depression. Turning off your inner critic isn't easy, as it's well-trained and activates at the slightest setback. This internal voice can hinder our development and diminish our self-confidence. Instead of suppressing your inner critic, it's important to learn to manage it and use it as a tool for personal growth. The right approach to self-criticism can help overcome negative emotions and improve your psycho-emotional well-being.

There's also a positive aspect: we've developed the ability to self-criticism and can master the art of self-compassion. This means we can treat ourselves with the same care and support we would give a loved one during difficult times.

The more mindful we are of ourselves, the more benefits we'll receive. Self-care is a key aspect of physical and emotional well-being. Regular self-care practices, such as rest, exercise, and proper nutrition, contribute to a better quality of life and a lifted mood. The more time we devote to ourselves and our needs, the better we can cope with everyday challenges. It is important to remember that self-care is not selfishness, but a necessity for maintaining health and harmony in life.