Women Earn More Than Men: 11 Stories and Psychologists' Opinions

Contents:

• “Sometimes I feel like a mother”
• “My husband lost his job, and I realized that I can only rely on myself”
• “I really love my job and would definitely not become a housewife”
• “It was important for me that my husband could rest”
• “I am the breadwinner, so they take care of me in household chores”
• “For a year I asked him to find a job, but to no avail”
• “I earn enough to afford cleaning, and my husband does not want to see strangers in house"
• "He doesn't work, but he knows he won't starve and the rent will be paid"
• "My husband has "switched to homelessness mode," as he says"
• "Since I earn more, I can easily set boundaries"
• "In my new marriage, I'm building my life on the principles of equality"
• Psychologist's opinion

There is a common stereotype that a man's primary role in the family is earning money, while a woman's is raising children and running the household. According to a survey by the NAFI analytical center, more than two-thirds of Russians held this opinion in 2020. However, current data calls this view into question. A 2023 survey by the "Sravni" service found that only 16% of families have a man as the sole breadwinner. In 31% of families, expenses are shared equally between spouses, and in 10%, the financial burden falls on women. These findings highlight changes in traditional family roles and point to the need to reexamine gender stereotypes in society.

We surveyed women who earn more than their partners and found out whether they experience discomfort because of this. We also explored how their family budgets are organized and how they distribute household responsibilities.

• “Sometimes I feel like a mother”
• “My husband lost his job, and I realized that I can only rely on myself”
• “I love my job very much and would definitely not have become a housewife”
• “It was important to me that my husband could rest”
• “For a year I asked him to find a job, but to no avail”
• “I am the breadwinner, so they take care of me in household chores”
• “I earn enough to afford cleaning, and my husband does not want to see strangers in the house”
• “He does not work, but he knows that he will not die of hunger and the rent will be paid”
• “My husband “switched to homelessness mode,” as he says”
• “Since I "I earn more, I calmly set boundaries"
• "In my new marriage, I build my life on the principles of equality"

Psychologists were asked to explain:

• how to maintain a good relationship in such a couple;
• what to do if the man's lower earnings have become a problem.

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"Sometimes I feel like a mother"

I I've been in a relationship with my husband for almost three years, and we've been living together for a year now. I work at a school and tutor, which allows me to earn over 100,000 rubles a month. My partner works for a government agency while studying; his current salary is around 60,000 rubles, and after he graduates, it's expected to increase to around 80,000 rubles. Our financial outlook looks promising, and we're actively planning for the future together. We have joint accounts, but there's no set contribution amount for each of us. We use these funds to pay for groceries and rent. When one of us decides to buy something for the home, such as appliances, the purchase is made with personal funds, but we discuss the details beforehand. For example, he bought a humidifier, and I bought a heater. If we're planning a vacation, I usually cover the expenses myself, as I manage to save money from my income. My husband is mostly responsible for regular shopping.

Sometimes I feel superior to my partner because I earn more and can afford more. This leads to me feeling like a mother, although such moments don't happen often. I love my job and am proud of my income, but I must admit that the workload is quite heavy. If it were possible to reduce my workload a little and give my husband a raise, that would be a great solution.

"My husband was left without a job, and I realized that I can only rely on myself"

I have been married for many years and we have three adult children. My main activity is related to real estate, where I earn about 100 thousand rubles a month. In addition, I do translations from foreign languages, which brings me an additional 60 thousand rubles. My husband does not have a permanent job, which makes my financial independence even more important.

There is no joint budget in our family, and all financial matters fall on my shoulders. My husband sometimes works part-time and earns money, but does not share this information. He may buy groceries, but that is where his financial contribution ends. Basic expenses, such as rent and the purchase of household appliances, fall entirely on me. My husband has never been involved in housekeeping. At the same time, he does not require reports on my expenses, which allows me to maintain some financial independence.

I love my job, and even if my husband finds a highly paid position that allows me to work less, I am unlikely to give it up. It is not only a financial aspect; I get real pleasure from what I do. This desire for professional development and the satisfaction from completing tasks make my life full and rich.

"I love my job very much and would definitely not become a housewife"

My husband and I are expatriates, both working as psychologists and teachers. We have similar backgrounds, but our different professional fields mean that I currently earn more. We don't have strict financial rules; for example, we don't practice a system where one of us hands over our entire salary and then asks for it for personal needs. However, we have clearly defined who is responsible for which essential family expenses. My husband gives me all "extra" funds, which are used for savings and long-term goals. He consults with me about major personal expenses, such as buying an electric scooter, but we don't discuss smaller expenses. This approach allows us to maintain financial harmony and build a future together.

My husband shoulders most of the household chores: he handles minor repairs, washes dishes, cleans the cat litter, takes out the trash, and performs other regular chores. While this is fine for him, it's incredibly tiring for me. I cook, order food and household cleaning supplies, manage the budget, and deal with any formalities that require knowledge of French.

We both have a stable income, which allows us to support ourselves without worrying about managing our finances. Even if our roles were reversed, it's unlikely anything would change significantly. I love my profession and don't plan to become a housewife, but increased financial stability would be a nice bonus, especially given our plans to have a child, when my income is likely to decrease.

"It was important for me that my husband could rest"

We live in Cyprus: me, my husband and three children. For some time, I was out of work while the children were small and we adapted to life abroad. I don’t want to repeat that experience. When I don’t have my own income, I feel anxious. We both work in IT; our move was possible thanks to my husband’s salary, which was around 3,500 euros. Then, when I started earning 1,500 euros, our financial status changed. Over time, my husband’s income decreased, and mine increased to 4,000 euros.

Daily responsibilities are divided as follows: I do the grocery shopping, organize the laundry and, most often, cook. My husband is responsible for maintaining order in the house and the surrounding area.

It was important for our family that my husband could rest and transfer some of the financial responsibilities to me. This allowed him to reduce his anxiety level, and I, in turn, felt in control of the situation, became more confident and was motivated to learn. I like to spend money, but I don't like to ask for it, so a raise in my salary brings me particular satisfaction.

"I'm the breadwinner, so I'm taken care of in household chores"

I have a successful business that has been in operation for 15 years. My husband works as a delivery driver, and we have been together for six years. Our financial approach is simple: I handle the main purchases and sometimes give my husband a bank card so he can make necessary purchases. He can cover small expenses, such as bread and milk, with his own funds. My husband's funds are used for his personal needs: clothing, gasoline, car repairs, and child support from a previous marriage. We have two children who live with us. Although my husband does not spend money on their care, he is actively involved in their lives and upbringing.

In our family, I take the role of breadwinner, which allows me to delegate household responsibilities. I set the tasks, and my husband and children actively participate in their implementation. My husband is always ready to help: he handles carrying heavy objects, driving the children, and does cleaning and laundry. We also share the responsibility for performing male tasks, such as car repairs and minor repairs around the house. My higher income makes me the decision maker in financial matters. However, I prefer not to interfere with matters related to construction, car repairs, and technical aspects.

I prefer to take a leading role in my life. This doesn't mean I don't sometimes want to feel fragile and receive support. However, I observe how many women are forced to rely on their husbands and put up with strict demands and restrictions. I don't strive for such a lifestyle.

"For a year I asked him to find I found a job, but without success."

My husband and I have been married for 22 years and have two adult children. I work as a software testing engineer and earn about 200 thousand rubles a month. My husband is currently looking for a job.

For many years, I was a housewife, taking care of the children while my husband worked. In 2018, he lost his job, and I waited a year, hoping that he would find a new one. I talked to him about the need to actively search, but, unfortunately, to no avail. In a situation where I needed funds for tutors and university education for my children, I decided to go to work. First, I got a job as a secretary, and in 2022 I decided to improve my skills and began training as a tester.

I didn't choose this path, but the time has come to realize that it's better to rely on myself. Sometimes I get upset about having to work, especially when my husband is fast asleep, and I have to force myself to wake up. However, I like my job, and so I don't complain. I understand that self-sufficiency and hard work - These are important qualities that help me achieve my goals. By working on myself and developing my skills, I create a better future for myself and my family.

My husband is actively involved in household chores: he goes shopping, cooks, and cleans. He has a pension, but it's not enough to cover all the expenses, so I regularly send him money for household expenses. I plan to continue my work, as not only my children but also my mother depend on my income. I'm used to a high workload and feel uncomfortable without constant activity.

"I earn enough to afford cleaning, and my husband doesn't want strangers in the house"

We've been together for six years and we both work in IT. My salary is about 200,000 rubles, and my husband's is about 100,000 rubles. We have separate budgets and don't save together, but we each have our own financial safety net. We pay the mortgage equally, splitting the payments 50/50. I track my expenses, including groceries, cafes, and deliveries, and set aside a certain amount each month for these needs. My husband has a similar approach to finances. I also usually buy him clothes and household cleaning supplies. When we travel, I cover most of the expenses myself, since he can't always afford such expenses.

I earn enough to afford cleaning services, but my husband is against the idea. He doesn't want strangers in our house. Although he does his own cleaning, frankly, his efforts don't always produce the desired results. This situation has caused constant arguments between us. We are looking for a compromise to resolve the cleaning issue and maintain harmony in our relationship.

Our combined income will decrease significantly if I go on maternity leave and while caring for the child. For men in Russia, maternity leave is rare. Many men are hesitant to take paternity leave, even though it could be a beneficial solution. I want to be able to take at least some time off from work and still maintain my standard of living. However, at the moment, this seems impossible.

"He doesn't work, but he knows he won't starve and the rent will be paid"

We've been together for two years, half of which have been officially married Married. I work as a tester with a salary of 300,000 rubles. My husband used to be an engineer, but has been looking for a job for several months. We have a joint budget, which I currently fill alone. From this money, we pay for rent, buy groceries, and maintain the car. We also have personal finances that we spend on our hobbies: I invest in massage and learning English, and my husband invests in various accessories for a 3D printer. Keeping the house clean takes time and effort. I prefer to hire cleaning services, as cleaning doesn't bring me pleasure. My husband uses a robot vacuum cleaner to maintain order and sometimes does plumbing. However, I don't avoid housework and am willing to wash the dishes if necessary. A clean house is important for a comfortable life, and each of us chooses the most convenient ways to maintain order. At the beginning of our journey together, my husband had certain complexes about the fact that I earn more than him. He considered it shameful and a violation of traditional roles. However, over time, he overcame his feelings. Even though he doesn't work, he's confident in our financial well-being, knowing our expenses are covered. I'm happy with our financial stability and independence. In our situation, I do not see any negative aspects.

"Husband "switched to homelessness mode," as he says"

In my work at the clinic, I achieved a salary of 140 thousand rubles. However, when my husband and I decided to become parents, my boss reacted extremely negatively. Even though he had no legal grounds for firing me, he transferred me to another department and lowered my salary. This situation highlights the importance of protecting employees' rights, especially when it comes to maternity and family responsibilities.

My husband was recently laid off and is actively looking for a new job. We use the Splitwise app to track our finances, and according to our records, he owes me a debt. In an effort to cut costs, he calls his approach "going into homelessness mode," but I think this is too drastic a measure.

We are actively involved in household chores, although I do most of the work myself. This helps me take a break from constantly working at the computer. I hope my husband will support me with childcare, as he has experience dealing with nieces, which allows him to be confident in matters related to children. In addition, I plan to continue my professional activities during maternity leave.

Our story is full of funny moments. When my husband got laid off, his friends decided to support him and gave him an unusual painting for his birthday. It depicts us in poses reminiscent of Adam and Eve, but instead of the usual apple, we're holding a coin from his game. Friends joked that this was my way of giving him money for shopping.

“Since I earn more, I calmly set boundaries”

I was I was a housewife, married to a businessman, and hadn't even considered working. However, after my husband lost his business, we faced financial difficulties. This prompted me to look for a job. I started as a manager at a factory and gradually worked my way up to department head. Later, I switched to remote work in EdTech, repeating my career path. My husband remained unemployed for several years and then got a job at a factory, but his income was still lower. We had a system in place: my money and his money, but he often didn't have enough, and I was forced to help him. I'm now divorced from my husband and have a new partner, but the situation is the same: I earn more. When we started dating, I immediately made it clear that I don't like doing housework. Since I provide for both of us, I set my boundaries: "If you don't like the mess in the house, clean it yourself."

I don't see any downsides to this situation for myself, but the man may be uncomfortable. For example, my ex-husband did not share information about our family life and what I do with new acquaintances.

"In my new marriage, I am building my life on the principles of equality"

In my first marriage, which lasted almost 12 years, financial responsibility fell entirely on my shoulders. I worked from nine to six, and after work I hurried to the store to provide my husband with the necessary groceries. We both worked, but my salary was three times higher. I bought all the food and paid for utilities, while his income went towards personal needs and a car. This could not be discussed openly, as it was believed that "you can't shame a man."

When our daughter was born, the financial situation became critical. During a year of maternity leave, I was forced to pawn all my gold. When I went back to work, I felt a significant relief. However, a situation soon arose when my husband began to earn more, and he demanded that I quit. At first, I agreed, but quickly realized that this would lead to financial dependence: he would control my spending and limit my freedom. Conflicts over the need to buy winter boots became regular. As a result, after 11 years of marriage, I decided to file for divorce. In my new marriage, I am building our relationship on the principles of equality and financial independence.

Currently, I am an editor, and my husband works in IT. We have been together for 13 years, have two children, and share a budget. We do all the household chores together, which strengthens our family and allows us to manage time effectively.

Psychologist's opinion

Gestalt therapy and EMDR therapy is an effective method of psychological support. Gestalt therapy focuses on awareness and understanding of current feelings and experiences, allowing clients to better understand themselves and their reactions. EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) addresses traumatic memories, helping clients integrate painful experiences and reduce their emotional burden. Both approaches can be used to treat various mental disorders and improve overall psycho-emotional well-being. The choice between Gestalt therapy and EMDR depends on the client's individual needs and the nature of their problems. Both methods require a qualified therapist who can select the most appropriate approach for each individual case.

In couples where the woman earns more and who strive to avoid conflict, it is important to establish open and honest communication. I recommend discussing financial issues upfront to avoid misunderstandings. Women should emphasize mutual support, and men should actively participate in discussing financial decisions. This will help create harmony in the relationship and strengthen trust between partners. Joint budgeting and goal planning also helps improve the financial climate in the family, which has a positive effect on the emotional atmosphere in the couple.

It's important to honestly answer the question: why do you need this relationship? What are the desires of each partner—both in life and in the context of their interaction? Which needs in the couple are met, and which remain unmet? Relationships in a couple and family are based primarily on feelings, not on financial aspects or calculations. If your partner brings a sense of stability and joy to your life, does it really matter how much they earn?

In a healthy relationship, there is a constant exchange between partners, maintaining a balance between "take" and "give." An important aspect is the value of each partner's contribution. This contribution does not necessarily have to be financial; much more significant can be the talents and skills that one partner brings to the relationship. For example, a man may earn less, but he is excellent at organizing joint trips, caring for the home comfort, and managing his wife's emotional difficulties. There is no secret to a happy relationship, but it is important that each partner is satisfied with their role and appreciates the efforts of the other. Respect and recognition of each other's contributions are key to building harmonious and strong relationships.

It's important to understand that everyone has the right to their own uniqueness and individuality. Social pressure, rules, and stereotypes can influence and violate your personal boundaries. Don't let societal standards limit your individuality. Listen to your inner feelings, stay true to your principles and values, not to the expectations of others. Ultimately, only you can determine what brings you happiness and what your true desires are. Maintaining your individuality not only contributes to your personal development, but also inspires others to be themselves.

Practicing psychologist, specialist in conducting group sessions and narrative practice. I'm the author of the Telegram channel "Poka Tak," where I share useful resources and methods for improving my psycho-emotional well-being. In my work, I help people find solutions to problems and develop personal resources through group discussions and narrative techniques. If your partner is concerned about their spouse earning more, it's important to start the conversation with openness and understanding. Try to discuss the reasons for these concerns and explore the feelings they evoke. Discussing financial issues in a relationship can help build trust and improve mutual understanding. It's important to emphasize that income does not determine a person's worth in a relationship, and that shared goals and support are far more important than financial differences. Create space for honest dialogue and try to find compromises that suit both parties.

• Why is he so worried?
• What would be a good option for him in this situation?
• Does he really want your standard of living to decrease just so he feels like he's earning more?

Most likely, he's experiencing feelings of "not being enough." In Russia's patriarchal society, there's a belief that the man should be the primary breadwinner. This is reminiscent of the plot of the film "Moscow Does Not Believe in Tears," where the main character is ready to break up with his beloved, a factory director, out of fear of not being "man enough" around her. Such stereotypes about the role of men in the family and society continue to influence the psycho-emotional state of many men, causing them to experience anxiety and self-doubt. By understanding the feelings underlying his dissatisfaction with himself, you can support him and work together to find a solution. This can be an opportunity for personal growth for him.

Gestalt therapy and EMDR therapy: features and benefits.

Gestalt therapy is an approach to psychotherapy that emphasizes awareness of current experiences and interactions. She helps clients become more aware of their thoughts, emotions, and behaviors, which contributes to a deeper understanding of themselves.

EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is an effective technique used to work with traumatic experiences. It helps patients process negative memories and reduce anxiety.

Both techniques have their own unique advantages and can be used in combination to achieve more significant therapeutic results. The choice of approach depends on the individual needs of the client and their life circumstances.

Working with an experienced Gestalt and EMDR therapist can significantly improve the quality of life and help overcome psychological difficulties.

For couples where the woman earns more and who want to avoid conflicts and maintain a harmonious relationship, I recommend several approaches. First of all, it is important to openly discuss financial matters to avoid misunderstandings. Transparency in financial matters helps build trust. It is also worth considering joint budgeting, which will help both partners feel involved and responsible for the financial well-being of the family. It's equally important to maintain an emotional connection and pay attention to each other's interests to avoid jealousy or feelings of inadequacy. By approaching financial matters with respect and understanding, couples can create a healthy and stable atmosphere that strengthens their relationship.

It's important to honestly answer the question: why do you want this relationship? What goals and desires does each partner have, both in life and in their relationship? What needs are being met, and which remain unmet, in your couple? Relationships and family life are primarily a matter of feelings, not financial calculations. If your partner gives you a sense of stability and joy in life, does it matter how much they earn?

In a healthy relationship, there is always an exchange between partners and a balance of give and take is maintained. It is important that each partner's contribution is valued. This contribution is not necessarily expressed in financial terms; more often, it is expressed in talents and skills. For example, if a husband earns less but still plans family trips brilliantly, provides a cozy home, and helps his wife cope with emotional difficulties, this is no less valuable. There is no one-size-fits-all recipe for happiness in a relationship. The main thing is that each partner is satisfied with their role and respects the other's contribution, creating harmony and mutual understanding in the couple.

Everyone has the right to their own uniqueness and originality. Social pressure, rules, and stereotypes can limit your boundaries and influence personal decisions. It's important not to let societal standards limit you. Listen to your inner feelings and stay true to your principles and values, not to the expectations of others. Ultimately, only you can determine what brings you happiness and what your desires are. Understanding your uniqueness is the key to a fulfilling life.