"You'll never be 100% emotionally mature": A psychologist on emotional development

Contents:

• How to learn to control your emotions
• How to overcome emotional vulnerability
• How to properly support people

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Irina Ushkova is an experienced clinical psychologist and instructor of the course "Our Emotions: Learning to Understand, Express, and Manage Them." She specializes in helping individuals overcome issues such as depression, anxiety disorders, panic attacks, and eating disorders. Using her professional experience and deep understanding of psychology, Irina offers effective methods and techniques that help clients improve their emotional state and learn to manage their feelings.

In this interview, Irina shared her thoughts and experiences. She discussed key moments in her career, as well as how she copes with difficulties and finds inspiration for new projects. Irina emphasized the importance of continuous self-development and learning, as well as how the support of others plays a significant role in achieving success. She also shared advice for those just starting out in their chosen field, emphasizing that persistence and a desire for knowledge are the key to a successful career.

• Why you shouldn't experience only the emotions you need;
• How to understand when you are being manipulated;
• Is it possible to stop taking everything to heart;
• How to deal with a nervous breakdown, burnout, aggression, and emotional eating;
• What phrases you should not use when supporting someone.

How to learn to control your emotions

Emotions play a key role in our lives, performing many functions. They help us perceive the world around us, react to various situations, and interact with other people. Emotions serve as indicators of our internal state, informing us about what's going on in our minds and how we feel.

Experiencing emotions helps us better understand ourselves and others. They shape our reactions to events, help us build social connections, and make decisions. For example, fear can protect us from danger, joy strengthens relationships, and sadness helps us cope with loss.

The meaning of emotions also lies in their ability to motivate us to action. They encourage us to find solutions and adapt to new conditions. Emotional intelligence—the ability to recognize and manage your own emotions and the emotions of others—is becoming an essential skill in modern society.

Thus, emotions are not just fleeting sensations, but important tools that help us navigate life and build relationships with others. Understanding their significance can improve the quality of our lives and increase our level of emotional well-being.

Emotions perform several vital functions. First, they serve as a signal for action: for example, when encountering a bear, fear makes us instantly run away. Second, anger motivates us to defend our boundaries and uphold our interests. Third, love motivates us to care for a loved one and maintain an emotional connection with them. These functions of emotions play a key role in our lives, helping us adapt to various situations and build relationships with others.

The second important function is communication with others. When I frown in displeasure, my daughter tries to do something to avoid reprimande. When communicating with others, we use nonverbal cues to convey our emotions and add additional meaning to what is said. These nonverbal elements play a key role in understanding and interpreting information, which makes communication deeper and more multilayered.

Communicating with oneself is an important aspect of personal work on emotions. Emotions serve as indicators that help us see a situation from a clearer perspective. When we experience sadness, it signals an underlying cause worth exploring. Taking the time to analyze our feelings can help us better understand what triggers negative emotions and how to cope with them. This approach promotes personal growth and improves our emotional well-being.

Is it possible to learn to experience only positive emotions or completely eliminate emotional experience? The question of whether it is possible to control one's emotions worries many. Emotions are a natural part of human existence and serve an important function, helping us adapt to the world around us. Completely suppressing or ignoring emotions can negatively impact mental and physical health. Instead, it is advisable to strive for harmony by learning to manage your emotions rather than avoid them. Developing emotional intelligence and mindfulness practices can assist in this process, allowing you to more clearly recognize and accept your feelings.

Emotions are a natural reaction to the environment, which we often cannot control. Therefore, as long as we are alive, emotions will accompany us. This is a normal phenomenon, reflecting our human nature. Accepting your emotions and understanding their role in your life helps you better cope with life's challenges. Developing emotional regulation skills allows you to effectively manage unpleasant emotions and create the conditions for pleasant experiences. These skills contribute to stronger psychological health, the achievement of personal goals, and improved relationships with others. Emotional regulation is an important aspect of personal growth and helps you find harmony in life. Emotional regulation is an important aspect that should be included in the school curriculum. The ability to manage your emotions contributes to a better quality of life, improves psychological health, and helps in interpersonal relationships. Teaching emotional regulation in school will help children better cope with stressful situations, develop empathy, and strengthen social skills. This knowledge will form the basis for developing a resilient personality, capable of adapting to change and coping with difficulties. It's important for schools to emphasize emotional literacy, teaching children to recognize and manage their feelings. We're taught not so much to manage our emotions as to suppress them. The problem with suppressing emotions is that they build up and can lead to psychological illness. Imagine a wave trapped between two walls: the water will continue to ripple but won't be able to escape. A similar situation occurs with our emotions when we bottle them up. Emotional stagnation can cause not only discomfort but also serious mental health problems. Therefore, it's important to learn how to properly manage your feelings and find healthy ways to express them. Openly expressing emotions promotes emotional well-being and helps avoid negative mental health consequences.

Correctly expressing emotions and feelings is essential for effective communication. To achieve this, several key points must be kept in mind. First, it's important to be sincere and open in your words. Use clear language to avoid misunderstandings. Second, try to choose the appropriate time and place to discuss your feelings so the other person can focus on your message. Active listening and taking the other person's opinion into account are also helpful. This will create an atmosphere of trust and rapport. Finally, don't forget about nonverbal cues: your intonation, gestures, and facial expressions can significantly influence the perception of your words. Correctly expressing emotions helps strengthen relationships and improve communication.

Sustainable communication means not harming either your own long-term goals or those of others. For example, instead of remaining silent or losing your temper, you can express your feelings constructively: "I was very upset that you were late. Please try not to do that again." This approach promotes healthier relationships and helps avoid conflict.

Emotional control is an important skill that helps you cope with difficult situations and improves the quality of life. To learn to control emotions, you need to develop mindfulness and accept your feelings. Practicing meditation and breathing exercises can help in this process. It is also useful to keep an emotion diary where you can record your experiences and analyze them. Discussing your emotions with loved ones or a psychologist helps you better understand your reactions and improves your emotional literacy. By developing these skills, you can better manage your emotions and respond to situations more appropriately, which will lead to improved interpersonal relationships and increased overall well-being.

There are many methods you can use. Let's consider a few:

The first method involves consciously noticing emotional outbursts and stopping yourself at critical moments. To prevent impulsive actions, it is important to prepare in advance for situations that may trigger such emotions. This will allow you to more effectively control your reactions and make informed decisions. Developing emotional awareness helps avoid unwanted consequences and improve your quality of life.

Impulsive clothing purchases can lead to unnecessary spending. Instead of buying a skirt you are unlikely to wear, it is worth turning to a friend and discussing the emotions that trigger the desire to buy something. This will help distract you and rethink your desires. If you still want to try something new, set a rule: "I'll only buy it if it fits me and becomes part of my wardrobe." This approach will help you avoid unnecessary spending and develop a more mindful attitude towards clothing purchases.

The second approach involves controlling not emotions, but the stimuli that trigger them. For example, if we're talking about problematic behavior, such as abusing alcohol to relieve stress, it's important to understand that a problem with alcohol is solved not only by refusing to buy it, but also by gradually reducing consumption. As long as this destructive way of managing emotions exists, the opportunities for using more constructive methods will be limited. The key is to recognize the triggers that lead to such reactions and work to change these stimuli, which in turn opens the way to healthier ways of coping with emotions.

The third method is meditation and body practices. These methods effectively help distract from negative emotions and stress. Regular meditation practice helps improve your psycho-emotional state, increasing your level of awareness and inner peace. Physical practices, such as yoga or tai chi, not only strengthen the body but also promote inner harmony, allowing you to better cope with emotions. Through meditation and physical exercise, you can learn to manage your emotions and find balance in your daily life.

The fourth way is to recognize and regulate your emotions. For example, if you had a fight with your best friend and were left with negative feelings after the conflict, it is important not to suppress the resentment. Instead, you should analyze the reasons for the argument and understand what led to the conflict. After this, you should reconcile and show your care by doing something nice for your friend. This will help not only restore the relationship but also improve your emotional state. Emotional regulation promotes harmony in relationships and personal growth.

The fifth way is to interpret events differently and view the same situation from different perspectives. For every point of view, there's a counter-argument. For example, some believe the coronavirus is negatively impacting life due to restrictions that prevent a full life. Meanwhile, others see it as a positive aspect—the opportunity to spend more time with family during quarantine. Understanding a diversity of perspectives can be helpful in various situations, helping to find more balanced solutions and improve communication. Understanding emotional manipulation is an important skill in today's world. Manipulators often use emotional triggers to influence our behavior and decision-making. To recognize such manipulation, pay attention to a few key signs. First, if someone tries to make you feel guilty or afraid, it could be an attempt at manipulation. Often, such emotions are used to force a person to act as the manipulator wants. Second, abrupt changes in your emotional state when interacting with a certain person can be a sign of manipulation. If you feel depressed or anxious for no apparent reason after a conversation, it's worth considering how exactly you're being manipulated.

You should also pay attention to attempts to change your point of view through pressure, threats, or excessive flattery. Manipulators may use a variety of tactics to make you doubt your beliefs or decisions. It's important to remember that you have the right to your own opinion and feelings.

To avoid manipulation, develop emotional literacy and learn to recognize your emotions. This will help you more easily identify attempts at manipulation and protect yourself from negative influences. Mindfulness and critical thinking are your best allies in the fight against emotional manipulation.

If a relationship with a particular person consistently causes feelings of dissatisfaction and negatively impacts your self-esteem, it's worth considering the causes of this state. It's important to ask yourself: "Why do I feel uncomfortable when interacting with this person?" The reasons may lie both in the person themselves and in your emotional vulnerability. If the problem lies elsewhere, it may be worth limiting communication to protect your inner state. However, it is also useful to analyze your own emotions and reactions to understand how they affect relationships.

How to Overcome Emotional Vulnerability

Emotional vulnerability manifests itself in a person’s ability to experience and express their emotions, as well as their openness to experiences and feelings. This can include fears, anxieties, joys, and sadness. People who are emotionally vulnerable often have difficulty establishing deep connections with others because they are afraid of being rejected or misunderstood. Emotional vulnerability can also manifest itself in a desire for sincere communication and a willingness to share your inner experiences. It is important to understand that accepting your vulnerability can lead to deeper and more sincere relationships with others. This quality helps develop empathy and understanding, which contributes to improved emotional well-being.

Emotional vulnerability often arises in certain situations. Lack of sleep, poor nutrition, lack of physical activity, and inadequate rest can significantly increase this vulnerability. At such times, a person becomes more prone to negative emotions and may engage in behavior that is out of character. For example, when a person feels well, they may calmly perceive others on public transportation. However, if they are sleep-deprived, rushed, or hungry, even minor stimuli can trigger aggression and negative reactions. Understanding these factors can help manage emotional states and improve quality of life.

Emotional vulnerability can be an important personality trait. People with this sensitivity often hear phrases like, "Stop taking everything so personally, you're too touchy." In one of my sessions, I was talking with a client who was experiencing discomfort due to back pain that day. When I unconsciously showed this on my face, the client immediately changed her tone and asked, "Did I say something wrong?" Even though my reaction wasn't at all about her. Emotionally vulnerable people can find it difficult to be social, as their feelings may not be understood by others. However, vulnerable people have a unique ability to sense the emotions of others, capturing subtle nuances that often go unnoticed. This ability allows them to understand people more deeply and build more genuine relationships.

Reducing emotional vulnerability is an important goal for many people striving for psychological well-being. Emotional vulnerability can manifest itself in fear, anxiety, and insecurity, which negatively impacts quality of life. Several methods can assist in this process.

The first step to reducing emotional vulnerability is becoming more aware of your emotions and feelings. Journaling, mindfulness practices, and meditation help you better understand your reactions and emotions. This allows you to identify the triggers that cause vulnerability.

Developing emotional regulation skills is also important. Deep breathing techniques, relaxation, and positive self-reflection help manage emotional states. Setting healthy boundaries in relationships with others helps reduce feelings of vulnerability.

Don't forget about the support of others. Talking to loved ones or professionals, such as psychologists, can significantly help in overcoming difficult moments and reducing emotional stress.

Thus, reducing emotional vulnerability is possible through awareness, developing emotional regulation skills, and support from others. These steps will help boost your self-confidence and improve your overall psycho-emotional well-being.

If you have a certain personality trait, it's impossible to change it, as biology remains unchanged. This is neither a positive nor a negative aspect. People with this predisposition often become excellent doctors, psychologists, and journalists—professionals who provide support and assistance to others.

If emotional vulnerability manifests itself in certain situations, you can use a simple algorithm to overcome it. First, it's important to identify the triggers that cause feelings of vulnerability. Then, you should analyze why these situations evoke such emotions. After that, it's worth developing strategies for managing your reactions. It's also helpful to practice mindfulness and self-reflection to better understand your feelings and learn to cope with them. Emotional resilience takes time and practice, but with the right approach, you can reduce your vulnerability and increase your confidence in difficult situations.

• eat on time;
• give yourself a break and don't work for six months or a year without a vacation;
• prepare for potentially difficult situations and think in advance about how to handle them;
• do manageable tasks and don't overload yourself;
• periodically analyze your actions and understand why we behave the way we do;
• validate yourself and others. It's worth clarifying here. Let's say I'm making soup after work and spill some broth. My husband comes up to me and says it's nonsense. I start to get indignant, because it's not nonsense at all, and now I, tired, have to clean the stove. He validated me, that is, he understood and accepted my feelings, realized that spilled broth is a tragedy for me now. Now, the next time I find myself in a similar situation, he'll say something like, "Look, that's so hurtful." And I'll feel better right away.

Let's look at situations in which a person might be most emotionally vulnerable. It's important to understand that such moments can arise for a variety of reasons. These could be stress at work, personal problems, life changes, or conflicts with loved ones. To prevent emotional vulnerability, it's important to develop self-regulation skills, maintain healthy relationships, and find ways to cope with difficult situations. If vulnerability has already occurred, it's important to turn to psychological support techniques such as meditation, journaling, or consulting a professional. Understanding your emotions and their sources will help you cope with difficulties and strengthen your inner resilience.

A nervous breakdown occurs as a result of excessive emotional stress, when an individual loses control of their behavior. This condition can lead to serious negative consequences, similar to how a person can get burned by standing next to boiling water. Understanding the causes of a nervous breakdown and its symptoms will help you avoid similar situations and maintain your emotional health.

There are several effective methods for overcoming a nervous breakdown. The right approach to stress and emotional overload can significantly improve your emotional well-being. Consider incorporating regular physical activity into your daily routine to help reduce stress. Relaxation techniques such as meditation or deep breathing are also helpful. Emphasize the importance of adequate sleep and a balanced diet, which contribute to overall well-being. Connecting with loved ones and friends is also important, as support from those around you can have a significant impact on your emotional state. Use these techniques to effectively cope with nervous breakdowns and maintain peace of mind.

• Perform the "diver effect" exercise: fill a basin with cold water, immerse your face in it, and hold your breath for 30 seconds. This activates the parasympathetic nervous system, which is responsible for relaxation.
• If you urgently need to get yourself back into a normal state, you can go for a walk, do cardio, or run up the stairs.
• You can perform breathing exercises where we make the inhalation shorter than the exhalation. Inhale for a count of three, exhale for a count of five. This is a good thing to do when you're overwhelmed by strong emotions and there's nowhere to run.
• Sometimes a good way is to just cry, if you know you won't hurt anyone. This is the easiest way to release tension. Only then should you take care of yourself: pour yourself some tea, go to bed.

Once you've calmed down, it's important to analyze the causes of the incident. Perhaps you broke a nail, which triggered a nervous breakdown. In this case, the cause is more serious than just accumulated stress. Or you've been working nonstop for a year, and your environment creates a negative atmosphere—such situations are easier to deal with. Understanding the roots of the problem will help you develop effective strategies for overcoming stress and restoring your psycho-emotional state.

Emotional burnout occurs as a result of prolonged stress that doesn't lead to the desired results. To prevent this condition, it's important to be aware of your inner experiences. Learning to recognize your feelings, manage your reactions, take care of yourself, reduce emotional vulnerability, and cultivate positive emotions can help you avoid burnout. Regular self-reflection and attention to your own needs promote emotional well-being and increase resilience to stress.

If burnout does occur, quality rest and engaging in activities that bring you true pleasure will help you recover. It's important to take time for yourself and find a balance between work and personal life to fill your life with positive emotions and harmony.

Aggression can serve specific functions in different situations. For example, if a dog attacks you, staying put would be unwise. It's important to assess the situation and make a decision: it might make sense to try to escape if it's safe and you're able to do so, or, in some cases, it might be worth using physical defense to drive the dog away. Responding appropriately to aggression can save your life and help avoid injury.

If your manager sent you a hurtful email and you decide to express your feelings, this may be viewed as dysfunctional aggression. Trying to prove your point to your boss is often inappropriate. Instead, consider more constructive approaches to conflict resolution. Focus on calmly discussing the situation, highlighting the facts and your emotions, rather than blaming or attacking. This approach can help establish a productive dialogue and restore working relationships.

• Notice a surge of emotion.
• Name what's happening to you: "Yes, I feel anger, very hurt."
• If these are very strong emotions, then you first do what I described earlier - either wash your face with cold water, go for a walk, or distract yourself with something.
• After that, think about how to act more effectively in this situation. If you've been accused of something, it's best to assert your boundaries without attacking. Say, "You know, you thought one way, but it was actually different."

Emotional eating isn't as serious a problem as many people believe. It usually occurs in situations where a person is undereating or, conversely, overeating. For example, if you planned to eat one donut but ended up having two, this shouldn't make you feel guilty. Allow yourself to be less critical of your actions and switch to other activities. It's important to understand that such moments can be a normal part of life, and you shouldn't dwell on them.

In some cases, binge eating occurs, which may be related to an emotional state. It's important to recognize your emotions and reduce emotional vulnerability. If you consider your behavior ineffective, you need to make a decision to change it. Although this sounds simple, in practice this process turns out to be complex. It requires the implementation and reinforcement of certain behavioral tactics that should become automatic. This is the path to greater control over your eating habits and emotional state.

If none of the suggested methods are working, it's worth considering alternative approaches. This may require a more in-depth analysis of the situation or consultation with an expert in the field. Sometimes effective solutions can lie outside the usual methods, and it's important to be open to new ideas and strategies. Don't be afraid to experiment and seek unconventional solutions.

If you realize that the suggested methods are not working, or your behavior is life-threatening, it's important to seek professional help. This is especially true in cases where there is a risk of self-harm, suicidal thoughts, or depression. Even if you're simply worried about something, it's best to get professional help and understand your fears. Taking care of your mental health is an important step towards improving your quality of life.

How to Support People Effectively

To help another person cope with difficulties, it is important to show support and understanding. Start with active listening, give them the opportunity to express their feelings and experiences. Offer your help, but do not impose it. Ask open-ended questions to better understand the situation and offer constructive solutions. Sometimes, simply being present and willing to listen is enough. Remember that each person is unique, and what helps one may not work for another. It is important to show patience and empathy to create a safe space for discussing problems. Support can include not only emotional but also practical help, for example, participating in finding solutions or overcoming obstacles together.

Simply be there and listen attentively when the person shares their experiences. Look at them, not at your phone, to show your interest. If he says he's upset, acknowledge his feelings: "Yes, this is an unpleasant situation." You don't necessarily have to share the same emotions, but it's important to recognize why the other person feels bad about the situation. Understanding and support are key elements in communication and can significantly strengthen your relationship.

My husband understands that at nine o'clock at night, I don't really feel like making soup. At that time, I'd rather relax in the bath or read a book. However, I need to make this soup. If it doesn't cook as expected, it can upset me.

Understanding the other person's story can make interacting with them much easier. If your friend has failed her exams again, she's likely experiencing strong emotions about this failure. In such moments, it's important to support her and express understanding. A phrase such as, "I see how hard this is for you," can have a calming effect and help her cope with her worries. Emotional support during difficult times plays a key role in strengthening relationships and helping people feel less alone in their problems.

Communicating as equals fosters deeper understanding. Sharing your feelings and the other person responding with something like, "Oh, you poor thing, that's terrible," doesn't make things any easier. Instead, it's more supportive to say, "I can't even imagine how hard this is for you; I probably wouldn't be able to handle it." This approach creates an atmosphere of empathy and understanding, which helps to cope better with difficulties.

When someone is feeling bad, it is important to be careful what you say. Certain phrases can make the situation worse or evoke negative emotions. For example, avoid phrases that may seem dismissive, such as "everything will be fine." or "don't worry." These expressions can be perceived as underestimating their feelings. You should also avoid advice that sounds too simple, for example, "just distract yourself," as this can make you feel guilty for not being able to cope with your emotions. Instead, try to offer support, express sympathy, and let them know that you are there, ready to listen and support them in a difficult moment.

Examples given:

• "Don't take it personally";
• "It's nonsense";
• "Forget it."

It is important to understand that we can unwittingly invalidate another person's emotions by using careless words. To avoid this, you should focus on validating feelings. Mistakes are a natural part of communication, and no one is immune from them; even psychologists can accidentally say something offensive. The key is to prevent emotional invalidation from becoming a habitual practice. Validation helps create a trusting atmosphere and promotes emotional health.

With chronic invalidation, an individual may lose trust in themselves and their emotions.

When a sensitive child falls on the playground and experiences pain, and their mother says, "Don't worry, it didn't hurt, it's nothing," they begin to ignore their emotions. This can lead to the child not trusting their feelings, which will further impact their emotional development. It is important to support and acknowledge children's feelings so they can learn to recognize and express them correctly.

To avoid harming another person, it is important to show interest and listen carefully. Clarify the specific assistance needed to provide support and assistance as effectively as possible. This will not only strengthen mutual understanding, but also help create more harmonious relationships.