"You'll never reach the next level if you rely only on what you already know"

Contents:

• Elena Lavrova
• Why should we abandon the concept of "self-esteem"?
• Caring instead of condemning: how to evaluate yourself correctly
• When self-doubt ceases to be normal
• Seek your own or work on yourself?
• How not to let your inner voice deceive you?

Elena Lavrova

• Senior Researcher, Laboratory of Psychological Counseling and Psychotherapy, Federal State Budgetary Scientific Institution "Psychological Institute of the Russian Academy of Education"
• Candidate of Psychological Sciences, practicing Psychologist
• Teacher of the courses "Who am I and what do I want?" and "Healthy self-esteem. How to gain confidence, accept and love yourself"

In this interview, we explore the following questions:

• What is "healthy self-esteem" and why psychologists urge us to abandon this definition;
• How are inflated self-esteem and lack of self-confidence formed;
• Imposter syndrome: why do we think we are not successful enough;
• Is it possible to develop any talent in yourself or should you only look for what is "yours" by nature;
• Where to start searching for your calling.

Why should you abandon the concept of "self-esteem"?

In psychology, the concept of mental health has a clear definition and a number of criteria. According to psychological research, healthy self-esteem is an adequate perception of oneself that allows a person to consciously assess their strengths and weaknesses. It is formed based on personal experience, interactions with others, and social context. Healthy self-esteem promotes the development of self-confidence and a positive outlook on life, which in turn influences overall psychological resilience. Psychologists note that an important aspect of healthy self-esteem is the ability to self-reflect and accept constructive criticism, which helps a person adapt to changing life conditions and achieve their goals. Many modern psychologists reject the term "self-esteem" because the process often causes discomfort. Evaluation can be reminiscent of student tests and exams, when we fear low scores and hope for high ones. Instead of focusing on self-esteem, it is more appropriate to consider a more constructive approach to self-perception—one that is not evaluative, but developmental. This approach is based on self-compassion. Instead of giving yourself grades, ask yourself: What did you do well today? What aspects need improvement? Self-esteem often becomes a label we adopt based on the opinions of others. This approach allows us to free ourselves from negative stereotypes and focus on personal growth and development. Self-esteem is truly linked to how a person perceives their strengths and weaknesses. It includes an assessment of both appearance and skills. Self-esteem is not just a matter of terminology, but also a deep understanding of one's own needs and aspirations. It is important to realize that adequate self-esteem helps a person develop and achieve goals, and also contributes to a better quality of life. Reflecting on one's strengths and weaknesses can be a starting point for personal growth and self-improvement. Words play an important role, as they conceal certain processes. Assessing appearance is a subjective approach, especially in light of the popularity of body positivity. Beauty standards have changed throughout history, and each period has its own ideals. If a person does not meet modern beauty standards, this does not mean they do not deserve love and happiness in their own body. It's important to understand that at other levels of life, the issue lies in the conditions that allow for the development of individual qualities.

A person who prefers to work the land and garden will be unhappy and unsuccessful if placed in an office doing routine number crunching. This will lead to low self-esteem and general dissatisfaction with life. This scenario highlights the importance of choosing the right environment to realize one's talents and passions. As Albert Einstein said, "If you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its life believing itself to be a fool." This quote illustrates the importance of creating conditions that match a person's individual abilities and interests. Choosing the right environment contributes not only to professional success but also to harmony in life.

Body positivity is an important movement that emphasizes self-acceptance in any body. However, it is important to remember that health should always be a priority. If excess weight is becoming a health threat, it is important not to ignore this problem. By oversimplifying the situation with phrases like, "It's okay, it's just the way your body is," a person can create the illusion that everything is fine, which can ultimately lead to negative health consequences. Self-acceptance doesn't have to mean giving up on caring for your body. A healthy lifestyle and paying attention to your well-being are key aspects to consider to avoid serious problems in the future. Self-esteem goes beyond personal feelings. A gardener who works as an accountant may experience unhappiness, which signals the need to address this issue. Similarly, excess weight can cause serious health problems, and it's important to make a decision to lose it. Recognizing the problem is key. If it's raining outside and we insist it isn't, we're only making the situation worse. By accepting reality, we can take action: grab an umbrella and protect ourselves from the rain. The solution is possible if we use self-esteem to analyze our achievements and understand how to cope with difficulties.

Caring instead of condemnation: how to evaluate yourself correctly

A person can have an idealized image of himself, which leads to inflated self-esteem. To determine whether this is truly the case, it is important to self-reflect and analyze your actions and achievements. One way to soberly assess yourself is to receive feedback from others. This could be a discussion with loved ones or a professional consultation with a psychologist. It is also important to compare your achievements with actual standards in your field, rather than with idealized images that may be formed under the influence of social media or public opinion. To improve your self-esteem, it is useful to record your successes and also work on accepting your shortcomings and limitations. An honest and constructive approach to self-analysis will help you develop a more adequate perception of yourself and your capabilities. Self-esteem is an important aspect of our personality, which can be divided into two main components. The first is the acting self, which possesses certain personal qualities and characteristics. The second component is the reflective self, an internal observer that closely monitors the actions of the acting self. This internal observer evaluates our actions with a critical eye, pointing out mistakes and failures.

We tend to be more critical of ourselves than of others. When a friend experiences a setback, we often show understanding and support by saying, "It's okay, you'll do better next time." However, we are much more critical of ourselves, judging our own mistakes: "Not quite right again, you made a mistake here, you failed there." This critical gaze from the reflective self has a significant impact on our self-esteem and self-perception.

Understanding these two aspects of self-esteem can help us develop a more constructive attitude toward our own mistakes and failures, as well as learn to be more compassionate with ourselves.

The internal observer can be action-focused when it moves away from the criticism of the acting self and concentrates on the task at hand. This allows us to improve the execution process and achieve better results. Focusing on goals and finding effective solutions leads to more productive work and skill development.

This may be the perspective many of us lacked as children: the perspective of a caring parent who understands our difficulties but does not judge. Instead of criticism, they offer support and resources to help us overcome challenges and achieve success. It is important to note that this perspective should not be indulgent. A mindful parent will not buy their child ten cakes, even if they want to, as this can negatively impact their health. Instead, they will provide a full lunch and allow one cake for dessert, which demonstrates concern for the child's well-being and forms healthy habits.

A person with inflated self-esteem perceives the world as a place where the sources of problems are always outside themselves. In this state, they cannot adequately perceive feedback from others. When difficulties arise, such people tend to blame external circumstances, for example, saying, "The boss is an idiot" or "I was underestimated and ignored here." Living with this worldview can be challenging and debilitating. If you notice thoughts like these, it may be a sign to consider whether everyone around you is truly against you, or whether there's something in your behavior that's holding you back from success. Recognizing your mistakes and being willing to self-reflect can be the first step toward personal growth and improving relationships with others.

When Self-Doubt Isn't Normal

Many people come to Skillbox with the goal of changing careers, but they often experience uncertainty and fears associated with the possibility of failure. The reasons for this uncertainty can be varied. First, it's a fear of the unknown and new challenges, especially for those who have already achieved some success in their current profession. Second, social and economic factors, such as peer pressure or instability in the labor market, can exacerbate doubts. It's also important to consider internal attitudes and self-perceptions, which are formed throughout life. Understanding these factors can help people overcome their fears and successfully adapt to new conditions.

Self-doubt is directly related to self-esteem. Each person has an internal scale by which they evaluate their abilities. Self-doubt arises when we ask ourselves, "Am I good enough for this task?" However, if we approach this question from the perspective of, "I have unique qualities that I haven't yet discovered, and I need to explore them," then self-doubt will be significantly reduced. This approach allows us to shift our perception: instead of judging ourselves, we begin to explore our capabilities and develop our potential.

Self-doubt most often develops in childhood, when a child faces harsh criticism and the ignoring of their needs and feelings. This can occur not only due to strict parents, but also in situations where the child does not meet family expectations. For example, a family of active people passionate about sports may have a child with hypotonia who prefers solitude, reading, and reflection. Such a child may be perceived as strange or awkward, and they may be told, "You're different. At your age, you should be active, but you sit with books all day." This pressure can lead to a lack of self-confidence, which can negatively impact their development and self-esteem later in life. Understanding these processes is important for creating a supportive and accepting environment that allows each child to develop their unique qualities. Overcoming uncertainty when changing careers is an important aspect of this process. If you've already started your journey, in moments of doubt, it's helpful to recall the reasons that prompted you to make this decision. Such steps are usually not spontaneous. Focus on your successes, what you're good at, and your personal progress. This will help build self-confidence and confidence in the direction you've chosen. Focus on your accomplishments and the steps you've already taken to move closer to your goals.

Human thinking, especially in the context of Russian culture, is often focused on identifying problems—both real and imagined. This approach can be a useful tool: if you're succeeding in one area while struggling in another, it signals the need to address it. Thus, recognizing problems can become a starting point for improvement and development.

Imposter syndrome is an interesting phenomenon that affects many aspects of life and career. It is formed due to internal doubt and insecurity, when a person cannot adequately assess their achievements and professional qualities. This is often due to inflated expectations of oneself or constant comparisons with others. Because of this, many people struggle to see their strengths and successes, even if they are supported by real experience and results. Feeling undeserving of their accomplishments leads to stress and decreased self-confidence. Overcoming this syndrome requires recognizing your strengths and achieving harmony between self-esteem and actual successes. Imposter syndrome is directly related to self-doubt. This phenomenon manifests itself when others recognize you as a qualified specialist, while you doubt your abilities. The inner critic, often a generalized opinion of teachers, parents, and coaches, can suppress your confidence. To overcome this syndrome, it is important to reduce the influence of this critical voice and focus on support. Surround yourself with positive people who support your decision to change your career, as well as friends who celebrate your achievements. Learning in groups, where participants see each other's successes and can collaborate on projects, can also help overcome impostor feelings. Support and interaction with like-minded individuals can significantly improve confidence in one's abilities and abilities. In situations where self-doubt reaches the level of impostor syndrome, seeking professional help can be beneficial. Professional help can help overcome internal barriers and increase self-confidence. Specialists can offer strategies and techniques for managing negative thoughts and improving self-esteem. This is especially relevant for those facing career or personal challenges due to self-doubt. The uncertainty that arises when trying to master something new is a completely natural emotion. This feeling should not be completely suppressed, as even a healthy individual can experience self-doubt. The key difference between a well-rounded individual with an adequate self-concept is that they feel a deep connection to their values. These values ​​become important guideposts for them, helping them overcome difficulties and move forward. Understanding and embracing your values ​​allows you to cope with uncertainty and confidently move forward in life.

Movie villains often portray vivid images whose goals are not perceived positively by others. However, their inner integrity, based on clear values ​​and aspirations, demonstrates what it means to be in harmony with oneself. These characters illustrate the importance of following your convictions, even if their actions are considered immoral. Studying such characters helps us understand how the contradictions in human nature can shape unique characters and motivations, and also reveals profound aspects of self-acceptance and inner struggle.

American writer Donna Tartt's book "The Goldfinch" asks an important question: how can we understand our doubts and determine what is the right choice? Psychotherapists and cartoon characters advise following your heart and being true to yourself. But what if your heart proves unreliable and leads to the destruction of health, family relationships, and social connections? This question raises important issues of self-knowledge and responsibility for one's own decisions.

Many believe that personality is fixed and that we are unable to change our values ​​and choices. However, this opinion is erroneous. We are capable of repeatedly rebuilding our personality and reexamining our values ​​throughout life. Great psychologists such as Sigmund Freud and William Stern argued that a person is a product of both natural factors and social influences. Freud emphasized that personality is formed not only as the sum of these factors, but also as a result of the interaction and confrontation between them. Thus, individual choice and development remain in our hands, providing the opportunity for personal transformation.

In modern Russian and Western psychological schools, the key concept defining personality development is subjectivity. This is the concept of the observing self, which ultimately makes decisions and guides us on the path to unlocking our personal potential. Currently, personality development is viewed as a complex system in which various factors interact. These include initial biological factors, such as individual abilities and predispositions, as well as social circumstances. However, the main and determining factor in the process of personal growth remains subjectivity. It allows a person to understand their goals and take an active part in their own development.

Search for your own or work on yourself?

There are two opposing opinions regarding the possibility of developing skills and talents. The first argues that almost any skill can be developed: a humanities student can become a data analyst or a programmer, and an introvert can become a successful public speaker. The second opinion says that there are "yours" and "foreign" skills, and it is important to find and develop exactly what matches your interests and inclinations. Your position as a psychologist, which of these opinions is closer to you?

Reality is more complex than just two extreme points of view. Both of them do not reflect the true picture.

There are aspects of personality that are very difficult to change. These include characteristics of the nervous system that determine the speed of mental processes and the intensity of the stimuli required to influence them. These characteristics are known as temperament. At the same time, there are skills that can be learned or changed through deliberate effort. Developing skills takes time and practice, but they can significantly impact quality of life and personal growth.

Perception of change and opportunities for growth depends on each person's personal perspective. American psychologist Carol Dweck, a professor at Stanford University and a recognized expert in motivation and developmental psychology, has conducted research that reveals important aspects of this issue. She identifies two types of mindset: fixed and growth. People with a fixed mindset struggle with change because they believe their abilities are not developable. This leads them to perceive setbacks and failures more painfully, viewing them as confirmation of their inability to change. Thus, a fixed mindset hinders personal growth and prevents successful overcoming of challenges. People with a flexible mindset believe in their ability to change and develop skills, making them more effective in achieving their goals. Although they also experience disappointment from setbacks, they perceive them as feedback, pointing out areas for growth. This allows them to identify what they need to learn to succeed in the future. A flexible mindset promotes not only personal development but also professional growth, opening up new opportunities and horizons.

Yes, default settings can indeed be customized to suit your preferences. This allows you to tailor a system or application to the user's individual needs, improving functionality and usability. Adjusting settings can include changing performance, interface, or security parameters, which ultimately contributes to more efficient operation and increased user satisfaction.

People aren't born with certain beliefs; they develop throughout life. In most cases, such attitudes are instilled at an early age when others, most often parents, say things like, "Why are you so inattentive?" or "You're always lazy." Using words like "always," "never," and "like that" creates generalizations that attach certain qualities and beliefs to a person. Analyzing the phrases and assessments we heard from our parents during moments of success or failure can reveal the roots of these beliefs. Everyone experiences screw-ups and failures, and it is these ingrained beliefs that can lead to self-disappointment. By understanding them, you can change your perception and attitude towards yourself, which will open up new opportunities for growth and development.

A person with a fixed mindset may be surprised that people with a flexible mindset are capable of change. This realization can push them to experiment and try new things. Every successful action opens up new opportunities and resources for further attempts. Nothing happens without effort - often it is the result of self-improvement, and sometimes - working with a psychologist. Applying a flexible approach to thinking promotes development, helps overcome difficulties and achieve goals.

How not to let your inner voice deceive you?

Finding your calling and passions can be a challenging task. To begin, it is worth paying attention to your interests and hobbies. What activities bring you joy and satisfaction? Pay attention to what you enjoy doing in your free time. It is also useful to analyze in which areas you receive positive feedback from others. These markers can give you clues as to which direction you should move in.

It's also important to listen to your emotions. If a particular activity inspires you and makes you want to grow, this may be a sign that you're on the right path. Try keeping a journal where you record your thoughts and feelings about different activities. This will help you better understand yourself and determine what you enjoy.

Don't be afraid to experiment and try new things. A variety of experiences can open up unexpected perspectives and help you discover hidden talents. Participating in workshops, courses, and seminars can also be a great way to find your calling.

Ultimately, it's important to remember that finding your path is a process that takes time and patience. By listening to yourself and following your interests, you can find something that truly resonates with you and where you can demonstrate your abilities.

Listening to yourself is an important aspect of self-discovery, but it's important to remember that there may be several voices within us. We often expect to hear a single, correct answer, but in practice, this is not always the case. It is important to recognize that our inner selves may represent different opinions and feelings. Being able to distinguish these voices and analyze them can lead to a deeper understanding of yourself and your needs. This will allow you to make more informed choices and achieve harmony in your life.

Internal dialogue often consists of multiple voices, each with its own pros and cons. This creates a complex situation in which we must make decisions based on multiple opinions. To facilitate the choice process and better understand which voice to listen to, it is useful to use certain tools and techniques. There are several approaches that can help in this situation.

The Japanese concept of ikigai offers an effective approach to finding your purpose, focusing on the intersection of three key areas: what you love, what you are good at, and what you are willing to pay for. This method helps not only find satisfaction in life but also create harmony between personal passions and professional activities. Understanding your ikigai can lead to an increased quality of life and personal satisfaction, as well as professional success. Understanding your true purpose promotes more conscious career choices and improves overall psychological well-being.

• what you love to do—what you enjoy regardless of reward or external validation;
• what others believe you do best;
• and, finally, what people are willing to pay you for, a certain market demand for what you do.

If your favorite activity encompasses all three areas of life, it may be your ikigai—the very purpose that brings satisfaction and joy. Ikigai combines what you love to do, what you are good at, and what the world needs. Finding your ikigai means discovering the meaning of life and the desire for self-actualization.

Barbara Sher was a famous American writer and coach who conducted psychological support groups for people seeking to change their lives. She inspired her clients to achieve what previously seemed impossible. In her book, "What to Dream About," she asserts, "You should always start with love." This means recognizing what we truly enjoy doing and what we can devote hours to. If we make decisions based only on our current skills, we risk missing out on opportunities for professional growth and development. Love for what you do can be a powerful driver for reaching new heights in life and career.

Little John Lennon was raised by his Aunt Mimi, a strict woman who once declared, "John, guitar is great as a hobby, but you won't make a living from it." This phrase became significant in John's life, and he later bought his aunt a house and gave her a silver plaque with this inscription. In this way, he not only expressed his gratitude, but also demonstrated how far he had come in his music career, despite the doubts of others.